Sunday, December 14, 2014

I Finally Found You... Again.

I once knew a girl who wanted to be in love more than anything. For a few years she searched for love as hard as she could. She went to all the places she thought love might find her. She dressed herself up, and smiled, and waited patiently at first, and not so patiently later. She saw other people in love and tried her best not to envy their happiness.

Each night she would set a lovely table by herself with a single lit candle and a glass of wine. She would let the loneliness wash over her. Many nights she would feel sad, but she never let go of her faith that someday a great man would come and find her. 
 
When he did find her, they wasted no time falling in love. They spent every waking moment together, learned the answers to all the questions that a person in love ought to know about their lover. Everything and anything they did felt like a marvelous adventure.

One night, while they lay quietly by the fire, watching the orange and yellow flames dance and sputter, she pulled his arm tighter around her waist, because she knew what this night would have been like without him. She would never let him go.

I feel like that girl, but not with love, but with passion. I've been in a pop band for a large portion of my life, and when that band broke up, music lost its magic. I watched the singer of the band take off like a shooting star, and in her light, although it was brilliant to watch, I couldn't help feeling apprehensive about continuing to play my guitar alone.

 
After that, I didn't know how to spend my days. Although, the guitar was once an instrument that fulfilled me, I was unsure if it still could.

I spent a few years searching for a new passion, for that thing I was put on earth to do. No matter what I did, I couldn't find it. 
 
I was like a man in his mid-life-crisis, except for going for exotic women and fast cars, I tried more quiet activities like knitting and gardening. I tried writing fiction. I tried cooking and salsa dancing.

I went to all the places that a person looking for their passion would go. I dressed like a person looking for their passion would dress.
 
My boyfriend, exasperated by my efforts, offered me some advice:
 
"Stop searching for it." I felt like he was trying to reign me in, like worried parents holding on to their two-year-olds' human leash at Disneyland.
"But, then I'd just do nothing all day."
"So, do nothing all day."
 
So, I did nothing all day. 
 
After a few months of doing nothing, and the dust swirling around my gut settled, I decided I would take a guitar lesson.This instrument used to bring me a lot of pleasure. Maybe it would again? 


Photo by Philip Toshio Sudo in his book Zen Guitar.
 
I walked into a music store by my yoga studio. A kind frenchmen asked me if I would be interested in trying out a lesson from the "guitar teacher of the stars!" I think he meant stars like Elvis, but I imagined in that instant the stars up in the night sky, and since that image seemed right to me, I told him, "Yes, I would."
 
After I took a few guitar lessons, I found a blues cover band to play with on Craigslist. (Are you beginning to see the tiny baby steps I took to find my passion again?)
 
I promised myself I would only continue an activity if it felt right. There is a difference between feeling "wrong" and feeling "afraid". When asked to take a solo in the blues cover band, I always felt "afraid", but I knew that that wasn't the same thing as feeling "wrong".
 
Once, I started on the path that resonated with my soul, I was handed opportunities. Calls from friends of friends asked me, "Would I like to play guitar for Hilary Duff on Good Morning America?" or "Would I be interested in playing guitar for Kate Nash, the British pop-star, in downtown L.A.?"

During the previous years, while I searched for my passion, no one called me for opportunities like this. I believe when you align your thoughts with the right passion for you and open up your chest to receive, the universe somehow knows you're ready.
 
Today, I am working on a song by Jimmy Hendrix called "Little Wing". My guitar teacher taught me how to play this song because he said it would "impress people". I know that this isn't really important in the long run, but I have to admit that sometimes it feels good to show off just a little. 
 
When I play the song, painstakingly pressing down with my left fingers with the lightest touch to make the notes sing, and strumming with my right hand smooth and easy, I think it must feel like that friend of mine who laid by the fire with her lover. My whole body is purring with this instrument leaning against me, because I've known what it feels like to be alone, to not have it, to be searching for it.

I'm never letting it go.

Honestly,
Meg
 

5 comments:

  1. That was a great read Meg, keep doing what you are doing and you will be amazing! Your guitar skills are already beautiful, just keep it up!! :)

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  2. that was a great read, meg :) made me smile. so glad you found it again!

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  3. hi meg! i don't know if you remember me but i made some drawings/designs for you a few years ago for chandler the robot! anyways, i really loved this post, and i relate to it a lot, only with my photography. i'm kind of in a slump as well because of too much anxiety to create without being able to rely on some of my friends that i normally photograph/collaborate with. it's hard for me to work with new people and do things that are out of my comfort zone, so i resort to pretty much doing nothing while watching those same friends succeed at the things i wish i could. hopefully i'll learn to do the same as you and get back into the swing of things. also, that's so cool that you played (or will play?) with kate nash! although i've never met her, she's super cool and good friends with one of my best friends whom she's toured with. small world :)

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  4. Yes... such a great read today! I have read most of your blogposts, so I knew a lot of the passion-finding struggles... but this tied it all together. Sage advice from the boyfriend, too. It cracks me up a bit when artists and peeps like yourself struggle with things of such nature. Why, because isn't the answer to your struggles in your own song lyrics? "The Place Where I Feel Most Like Me" LOL... when I am feeling lost, burnt out, or just passion-struggling... I always reference that song!!! The only advice I would offer someone else thats going through such a struggle is to travel... Travel, Travel, Travel. Not safe sweet travel, but overseas get me out of my comfort zone travel, or the routines and doldrums life can present. It so true what you said about offers coming to you after your soul was realigned with the passion! Happy Happy Happy for you! Looking forward to hearing and witnessing some of this newly re-found passion.

    MjN

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  5. If perfection may not be possible in this life, or so logic suggests, then finding your passion is as close as it gets... and living your passion is it.

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